STAR TREK:  BREAK DOWN

TELEPLAY

CAST LIST

ADMIRAL (should look like a bureaucrat)

DATA

CAPTAIN PICARD

CRUSHER

GEORDI

GUINAN

KLINGON WOMAN

MINISTER TOLMAN

TREASURER LYTUS

TROI

VAYLE (sleazy but handsome alien)

WORF

Misc. Extras as needed

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM

CAPTAIN PICARD at video screen

PICARD (V.O.)

Captain's Log, Stardate 48688.3. It is now four months since we became only

the second Federations Starship to cross the energy barrier that surrounds our

galaxy. We are continuing on course as Warp 12.8 toward a location deep in

intergalactic space. Almost three years ago two widely separated Federation

sensor arrays reported this site as the origin of massive bursts of tachyon

particles. Since these translight particles are not known to exist in nature, the

highest ranking officials of the Federation concluded that in spite of the

immense risks of crossing the energy barrier and traveling in deep intergalactic

space, these risks should be taken in order to make contact with a civilization

which apparently has developed the means of intergalactic space travel…

Ship shakes slightly. Lights flicker.

RIKER (Over communicator)

Captain, we've experienced another of the fluctuations in our dilithium crystals

which we've been having since crossing the energy barrier. Geordi is

recalibrating now.

PICARD (Pats communicator)

Geordi?

INT. ENGINE ROOM

GEORDI with two assistants.

GEORDI

Captain, we've had another fluctuation. I still don't know why we have to

recalibrate our dilithium crystals every day instead of every four days, but the

modifications made to our propulsion systems to get us extra speed appear to

be working perfectly. I'm working on a level three diagnostic now.

CUT TO:

INT. MAIN BRIDGE

RIKER, DATA, WORF, et. al. Captain enters Bridge from Ready Room.

PICARD (Pats communicator)

Keep me informed.

Major shaking of the ship occurs. Lights flicker.

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE - THE ENTERPRISE (Optical)

Ship rapidly decelerates and comes to a complete stop.

CUT TO:

INT. OBSERVATION DECK MEETING ROOM

Around table are Picard, Riker, Data, Worf, Crusher, and Troi. Geordi enters carrying a stainless steel cylinder about a foot long and four inches in diameter.

PICARD

What is going on?

GEORDI (Pours contents of cylinder, a white, powdered

substance on table.)

Captain, our dilithium crystals suddenly shattered and dissolved back into

simple lithium salts.

PICARD (Aghast)

Do you know what that means?

DATA

It means, Captain, that we will be well prepared to treat any members of the

crew or their descendants who become manic-depressive during the 2114.8

years it is going to take us to return to our galaxy traveling by impulse power

alone.

WIDEN: Show stunned crew.

DISSOLVE TO OPENING TITLES

ACT I

FADE IN:

INT. MAIN BRIDGE

Captain, Riker, Data, Worf, Troi, Geordi, and Crusher are present and located appropriately.

PICARD (Addressing the entire crew over the intercom)

This is the Captain speaking. As you all know the Enterprise has been

motionless in deep intergalactic space for twelve hours while we have

analyzed our situation. As a result of the fissures in our dilithium crystals

apparently caused by our crossing the energy barrier, we are now without our

warp drive capability or any means of restoring it. The energy barrier also

prevents our subspace communication system from contacting Star Fleet. Our

impulse engines are in perfect working order, and shortly we will begin heading

back toward our galaxy in hopes that after several years another Federation

Starship will cross the energy barrier permitting us to communicate our situation

and warn them back into our galaxy before their dilithium crystals dissolve.

Hopefully within ten or fifteen years some means will be discovered to enable

us…

WORF

Captain, our sensors indicate a vessel of unknown configuration has just

passed within two light years of us moving at very high speed, in excess of warp

23… The vessel appears to be slowing.

Immense light flash appears on the view screen.

PICARD

Are there any casualties?

RIKER (At console)

Apparently not, Captain.

DATA

Captain, the alien vessel seems to have emerged from some form of phased

hyperspace which is part of its high speed propulsion system… It is turning back and coming directly toward us.

PICARD

On screen.

CUT TO:

INT. SCREEN VISUAL (OPTICAL)

Nothing appears but empty space.

DATA (O.S.)

The vessel appears to be quite small, Captain, less than ten centimeters in

diameter. It will be a few seconds before we have visual contact… There it is,

Captain.

Small, matte finish, round, gray object appears moving toward the Enterprise and growing slightly

larger as it approaches.

RIKER

Sensors indicate it is extremely heavy, Captain, possibly containing substantial

amounts of solid nucleic material.

Enterprise shakes.

CUT TO:

EXT SPACE

Visual of Enterprise being drawn toward sphere.

CUT TO:

INT. MAIN BRIDGE

PICARD

Red Alert! Maximum Reverse!

Red Alert Signals.

DATA

The gravity of the object is too great for us to overcome, Captain. Impact in five

seconds, four, three, two, one.

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE

Visual of Enterprise and alien vessel. Energy halo appears around alien vessel. Enterprise halts

relatively close to vessel. Disparity of size stressed by visual.

RIKER

Captain, the alien appears to have activated some sort of massive gravity

shield.

Small bolts of electricity appear and dance about the various computers on the main bridge, then quickly appear in engineering. Lastly there are similar effects around the heads of the crew members on the bridge.

DATA

Captain, it appears that everything and everyone on this ship has just been

thoroughly scanned.

PICARD

Is this vessel some kind of probe?

DATA

Impossible to tell, Captain, but it is too small to carry any advanced life form with

which we are familiar.

PICARD

Open a hailing frequency… This is Captain Jean-Luc…

Very metallic voice over communicator interrupts him.

ALIEN (V.O. FILTERED)

Patience for a second, Captain… I am having difficulty preparing to adopt your

life form… I have never encountered one like it… Permission to come aboard,

Captain?

PICARD

Counselor?

TROI

I don't sense any threat, Captain, but I do perceive a certain amount of ordinary

greed.

PICARD

Worf?

WORF

Obviously there is no way to guarantee our security with a totally unknown…

greedy alien on board the Enterprise.

RIKER

Captain, I would assume that a life form which can travel in intergalactic space

in excess of warp 23 and can shield the gravity of a substantial amount of solid

nucleic material can come aboard our vessel whether we want it to or not.

ALIEN (V.O. FILTERED)

Incorrect Mr. Riker. Imperial law prohibits me from boarding your ship without

your invitation. Again, Captain, permission to come aboard?

PICARD

Permission granted.

Instantaneous appearance on the bridge of a male humanoid appearing like Mickey Rourke done up as a space version of Mad Max. There is a definite quality of ominous sleaze. (Mickey Rourke would be great for this role if he was available.)

PICARD

I am Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Federation Star Ship Enterprise.

ALIEN

I am Eln-Vayle, owner and operator of Imperial Licensed Tow Ship 61817845,

Vayle's Towing Service.

PICARD

Towing service?

VAYLE

Yes, Captain. Intergalactic space is filled with primitive species like your own

flying about every which way and breaking down all over the place. I and others

like me are licensed to make our living towing you back where you came from.

PICARD

For a fee, no doubt?

VAYLE

For a very specifically prescribed fee, Captain.

RIKER

How do we know you didn't cause our breakdown?

VAYLE

The law which prohibits us from doing that is as strict as your Prime Directive.

We're not allowed to interfere, just tow you when you break down. The last time

a tow ship operator tried that was a quarter of a million of your years ago. It

spent forty thousand years imprisoned in the core of a black hole. The Emperor

has no patience with law breakers.

PICARD

Apparently not… Just how much do you charge for your services?

VAYLE

The prescribed fee is one tenth the value of your ship for every ten light years

towed.

PICARD (AGHAST)

That's… That's rather expensive… Can't you just repair our engines?

VAYLE

I can take a look…

CUT TO:

INT. ENGINEERING

All cast members are instantaneously transported to engineering. Vayle continues without missing a

beat.

VAYLE

But I don't carry spare parts, Captain.

Vayle walks right through the wall of the Engineering Section into the engines and is seen through the glass walls looking at things. Then he walks back out through the wall.

VAYLE

I can't repair it, Captain.

PICARD

One tenth the value of the ship for every ten light years towed… Mr. Vayle, we're

over two thousand light years from from the energy barrier surrounding our

galaxy.

VAYLE

Two thousand, one hundred and fourteen point eight three two light years from

Starbase 46. I understand, Captain. You don't want to be the first Star Ship

Captain to be towed home. Don't feel bad. It was inevitable. It would have

happened to whomever was the first Star Ship Captain sent out into deep

intergalactic space. Those energy barriers are very hard on primitive propulsion

systems.

PICARD

I can't possible authorize an expense like that without consulting Star Fleet, but

our communications are cut off by the energy barrier.

VAYLE

Communication can be arranged.

CUT TO:

INT. MAIN BRIDGE

Instantaneously all but Geordi return to bridge.

CUT TO:

INT. MAIN VIEW SCREEN

Abruptly Admiral appears. (Admiral should look like  bureaucrat.)

ADMIRAL (Startled)

What's going on… Picard, you're supposed to be two thousand light years

beyond the energy barrier. How're you communicating with me?

PICARD

I'm not sure, Admiral… The Enterprise fuel supply has dissolved, and an alien

life form which claims to make its living towing the broken down ships of

primitive life forms back where they came from has offered to tow us back inside

the energy barrier to Starbase 46… for a fee.

ADMIRAL

A fee?

PICARD

Yes, Admiral, 21.14832 times the value of the Ship.

ADMIRAL

What? That's outrageous… Primitive life forms…

PICARD

I'm afraid so, Admiral. That's what the alien termed us. It's a most unfortunate

circumstance, but without assistance it will be more than twenty centuries

before the Enterprise and the descendants of its current crew even reach the

energy barrier.

ADMIRAL (Taking charge)

Let me speak with this alien.

VAYLE

Alien here, Admiral.

ADMIRAL

Just what do you want?

VAYLE

21.14832 times the value of the Enterprise.

ADMIRAL

How do you expect us to pay that much? The Enterprise is the Starfleet

Flagship. It was very expensive to build.

VAYLE

I'm aware of that. I've studied the ship's computer records. It definitely is an

expensive ship…

ADMIRAL

How do you expect us to pay you?

VAYLE

Gold pressed lathinum will do quite well, Admiral.

ADMIRAL

Picard, you know the Star Fleet budget has been very tight the last few years.

The Klingons are broke. The Vulcans are in the midst of a recession, and an

economic loss like this just might ruin Starfleet if not the entire Federation, and

the interest the Ferrengi would charge on a loan like that would be devastating.

I can't possibly authorize a loan like this without consulting the Federation

General Assembly. You'll have to give us several days to consider all our

options… And, Picard, if I were you, I'd begin to prepare my crew for the

possibility we won't be able to pay this… this RANSOM.

VAYLE

I object to that! I have to make a living, too. It costs me a lot to maintain my ship

and then cruise around space looking for you PRIMITIVE SPECIES. ("Primitive

Species" stressed in response for the use of the word "Ransom.")

ADMIRAL

Starfleet out.

VAYLE (To Picard, who looks worried)

Don't worry, Captain. Bureaucrats always talk like that. They wind up paying

most of the time.

FADE OUT.

ACT II

FADE IN:

INT. MAIN BRIDGE

Cast same as last scene

VAYLE

Counselor, would you care to spend an hour in Ten Forward with a one and a

half centimeter sphere of solid nucleic material?

TROI

Captain?

PICARD

A one and a half centimeter sphere of solid nucleic material… Yes, Counselor,

just don't get sucked in.

CUT TO:

INT. TEN FORWARD

TROI

It is kind of disconcerting the way you keep us jumping about the ship. We're

more comfortable with the lifts… If you fly through this region of intergalactic space often, perhaps you could explain the origin of the bursts of tachyon

particles which we were on our way to investigate. The source was not far from

here.

VAYLE

Tachyon particle bursts near here… That's an Imperial Intergalactic Route

Marker. Unmanned cargo ships on automatic pilot use them to navigate from

one galaxy to the next.

TROI

That's kind of ironic. We got stranded looking for a route marker.

VAYLE

Irony, Counselor, is one of the underlying principles of the universe, right up

there with chaos and random chance.

TROI

Irony, chaos, and random chance are the governing principles of the

universe?

VAYLE

When the first Emperor realized the nature of the universe, the Emperor also

realized that was the way it was supposed to be, ambiguous and confusing.

That keeps it interesting. We've had the power to render it consistent,

predictable, and intelligible for eons. A small minority has tried to force it to be

that way ever since experiments proved it could be done, but it's been voted

down every time. You have ones like that among your species, don't you?

Wouldn't you be miserably bored if they prevailed?

TROI

It never occurred to me it was something we could vote on.

VAYLE

Not you, but we can. Hardly anybody wants it… When I scanned your ship, I

found you had been with a "Nithe."

TROI

A what?

VAYLE

The star wandered/knowledge seeker who entered you and became your child.

The closest word in your language for how we think of them is "Holy." They seek

knowledge for its own sake. I can see why it chose you.

TROI

Why was that?

VAYLE

Because more than anyone else on the ship, you seek knowledge for

benevolent purposes. You want to know so you can use what you know to help

others of your kind… and you are open to considering unusual possibilities…

opportunities others of the crew would reject without a second's hesitation.

TROI

I sense you are about to make me what you consider an unusual proposition.

Listen, Vayle, if it's sex, that's a very common and ordinary proposition among

our species.

VAYLE

Perhaps it is among yours, but you have no idea how uncommon you

humanoids are. I'm almost two and a half million of your years old. I've been a

tow ship operator more than half of that. I have never encountered a species

that has sex.

TROI

Our galaxy is full of them.

VAYLE

Fascinating.

TROI

How do most societies reproduce?

VAYLE

Simple division, similar to your bacteria. You are aware your galaxy is full of sex

because one species evolved that way and then seeded it's likeness throughout

your galaxy? It didn't evolve separately in all those different places.

TROI

Yes, we learned that recently.

VAYLE

My offer to you is not nearly so simple as common sex. I'll admit the idea of it

fascinates me, the whole idea of something which if you do it right brings you so

close to another… delightful… but what I want to give you for the opportunity to

experience that union is the same thing I want.

TROI

What?

VAYLE

Well, you're a female. Haven't you been curious all your life to understand men,

to know what it is like from the man's point of view? Think of how much better

you'd be at counseling men if you'd been one for a few weeks or months. I'll give

you this body to join with me if I can have yours. I doubt you'll want to keep it,

but if you do, when I leave, I'll give it to you, and you can stay a man. The choice

will be entirely yours

TROI

I suppose that is a little more unusual than I expected. What about you?

VAYLE

Me? I'll shift back and forth from one to the other as seems right. I just want to

see what the whole experience is like. It seems very sweet.

TROI

As a betazoid I've sensed a great deal of men's experiences.

VAYLE

Yes, but that was like watching a view screen. This is a chance to live it. Think

about it. It'll take months to tow the Enterprise back to your galaxy. We could put

that time to good use. It's not a chance you're likely to get again, and it certainly

won't do you any harm. Think about it.

FADE TO:

INT. CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM

Picard seated alone at desk. Doorbell beeps.

PICARD

Come.

Troi enters.

TROI

Captain, there's something I need to discuss with you…. Vayle's species is

asexual, and it's fascinated with our experience of sexuality. It's offered me

something incredible to have sex…

PICARD

Don't tell me its offered to tow us back in exchange for using your body. I

couldn't order you to do that, but I'm sure the Federation would reward you well

for such a sacrifice, certainly a medal and a promotion, not to mention my

eternal gratitude for saving my career…

TROI

I'm afraid that's not it, Captain. It's much more profound. Vayle is willing to make

me a man for the month it takes to get us back. It's an incredible opportunity to

learn, Captain. Counselors throughout the Federation could help couples

relate to each other so much better with such greater understanding. I believe it

really could help both men and women immensely, lower divorce rates, better

raising of children, the possibilities are breathtaking.

PICARD (Distracted and a bit uncomfortable)

Well, yes, do what you think is best… for science. Keep me aware of what's

going on.

TROI

Thank you, Captain.

CUT TO:

INT. SICK BAY

Crusher is standing over some machine looking busy. Enter Troi.

TROI

Beverly, I have something really important to ask you… Have you ever

wondered what it's like to be a man?

CRUSHER

Of course, what little girl growing up hasn't? Not that I'd want to be one, but to

know what it's like? Sure, intellectual curiosity, though, nothing more. Why do

you ask?

TROI

Vayle's species is asexual. It's very curious to experience sex… with me. It says

it'll give me the male body and mind while it's with us so I can have the male

experience while it has mine… I think I'm going to do it. It opens incredible

possibilities for me as a counselor to understand much more about half the

people I see.

CRUSHER

Kind of ironic, isn't it? A few hundred years ago a woman who wanted to

achieve almost anything would've given quite a bit to be a man because women

weren't permitted in roles of authority. Now that we're equal, all I am is faintly

curious. Sure does lay old Freud's penis envy nonsense to rest… You must tell

me one thing, though. Do they really leave the seat up because they forget

like they always claim, or is it deliberate. I've always wanted to know that.

TROI

We always leave it down deliberately, don't we?

CRUSHER

That's different.

TROI

We don't know that. We'll talk about it more after I know for sure.

FADE OUT

INT. MAIN BRIDGE

Picard, Riker, Worf, Data, Troi.     Vayle enters from lift.

VAYLE

Starfleet is done discussing your situation.

INT. VIEW SCREEN

Admirals and politicians appear on main viewing screen around a conference table.

VAYLE (Addressing screen)

Ladies and gentlemen, what is your decision?

MINISTER TOLLMAN (Seated at head of table)

We are having a great deal of difficulty raising the funds, but we have agreed to

authorize payment to you of 10.2 times the value of the Enterprise for your

services. I am sure you will recognize that this is a most generous offer in a

desperate situation.

VAYLE

This is not a desperate situation, Minister Tollman. The Enterprise crew is in no

danger. I checked all their systems myself. There is no reason to believe the

Enterprise can not survive the 2,000 year journey back to Starbase 46. My fee is

set by Imperial Regulation. 21.14832 is the prescribed amount, Minister, no

more, no less.

MINISTER TOLLMAN

But what if something happens to them? How can you just leave them there?

VAYLE

Don't worry about them. I pass this way every so often. I'll look in on them every

twenty-five or thirty years.

MINISTER TOLLMAN

You intend to just fly off and leave them if we don't pay?

VAYLE

That's correct.

MINISTER TOLLMAN

You're a hard man.

VAYLE

I'm a business man.

MINISTER TOLLMAN

We just don't have that much lathinum.

VAYLE

Yes, you do. The vaults on Pecunia 3 contain quite ample quantities. All you

would have to do is assign me a vault and allow me to place an energy barrier

around it.

MINISTER TOLLMAN

Treasurer Lytus, is this correct?

TREASURER LYTUS

How did you know that, sir?

VAYLE

Imperial Regulations permit searches of this sort whenever primitive species lie

in attempts to bargain. The lathinum is there. Will you pay or not?

TREASURE LYTUS

If we pay you this amount, you will be in a position to have a substantial effect

on the entire Federation economy. Just what do you intend to do with this much

money?

VAYLE

I'd be interested in purchasing any one of several uninhabited class 8 star

systems with two or more class T planets which are located on the edge of the

Federation nearest the energy barrier. I'd want complete title and a declaration

that they were no longer Federation space.

MINISTER TOLLMAN

What could you possibly do with an enormous imploded star with giant massive

gravity planets?

VAYLE

Retire there in a few million years and operate a hotel with a refueling and

repair station for intergalactic long haul transport vessels. I can guarantee you

there will be no danger to your species.

MINISTER TOLLMAN

Pick a star system.

VAYLE

Kuzma 4761.

MINISTER TOLLMAN

Done.

VAYLE

Done. I will deliver the Enterprise to Starbase 46 in 150 earth days.

MINISTER TOLLMAN

Starfleet out.

VAYLE

I told you not to worry, Captain.

FADE OUT.

ACT III

FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE - ENTERPRISE OPTICAL WITH SMALL SPHERE IN FRONT

Several lines join the sphere to the Enterprise. Both accelerate gradually and reach considerable

speed.

CUT TO:

INT. TROI'S APARTMENT

Vayle and Troi

VAYLE

Counselor?

TROI

I can go back any time I want?

VAYLE

Absolutely.

TROI

Go ahead then.

Some special effect showing some shift between the two bodies. From this point on until further noted whenever Vayle's body speaks, Troi's voice is heard and vice versa.

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

Fascinating. (Move's hands and stretches, looks in mirror.)

Unbelievable… Strange… Definitely different… Definitely different, but subtle…

TROI'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

Definitely different, but subtle… It's not so drastic for me as it is for you. I spend

my life popping in and out of alien bodies… But I will say this sex thing

continues to interest me.

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

We ought to get that out of the way right away… I can't believe I just said that…

It's not like me at all.

TROI'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

Yes it is. You're a man now. Even if you're in love… especially if you're in love…

that part of you is very impatient.

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

I guess it is… It's really strange looking at your own body lustfully.

TROI'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

It's not your body now. It's mine, but let's not rush things. Now that I'm in the

female body I think I'd like to have a nice, romantic candlelight dinner and chat a

bit, get to know you.

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

Serves me right. I've said just that myself more than once… Get to know you?

You're a several million year old chunk of solid nucleic material. How can I get

to know you?

TROI'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

Perhaps later we can work on that, too. You're quite open to experience, but

right now I'm a human female, an attractive one at that. Just do what comes

naturally. We'll have dinner later.

They embrace. This scene goes as far sexually as the director wants.

CUT TO:

INT. 10 FORWARD

Troi and Vayle enter holding hands and looking very affectionately at each other. They sit down at a

table.

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

I can't believe what I just realized.

TROI'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

What's that?

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

I'll bet half… no a lot more than half the male members of the crew joined

Starfleet so they could fly around in space seducing beautiful alien women. It's

part of the male quest for the ultimate mate… The grass is always greener in

your neighbor's yard type of thing. Men!

TROI'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

Be careful. You are one now. So why did you join Starfleet?

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

Search for knowledge, the unknown, adventure, I guess.

TROI'S BODY (VAYLES VOICE)

And an encounter with a handsome male, might that not be part of the

adventure, especially a handsome man who could give you his body… to live in

for a while?

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

Yes, I suppose it is. It really is confusing. Every time I'm struck by how different

men and women are, I'm convinced how alike they are.

They continue holding hands across the table. Riker enters, sees them holding hands, and walks over. He forcefully takes hold of Vayle's shoulder and turns him (Vayle) toward himself (Riker).

RIKER

Just what are you up to, Mister!

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

Stop it, Will. You're hurting me.

RIKER

What!

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

Vayle gave me his body so I could see what it's like to be a man for a while. I'm

sure it's going to be most helpful scientifically and very useful to all the people I

see as a counselor.

TROI'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

She figured she might enjoy it, too.

RIKER

Well, what great scientific knowledge have you gathered so far?

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

For one thing, Will Riker, I've learned men never forget and leave the seat up

accidentally. It's always deliberate, so don't you ever lie to me about that again.

Riker gives both of them a scowl and walks off.

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

That should keep his scientific curiosity satisfied for a while.

Crusher enters, speaks to Troi.

CRUSHER

Deanna, you've got to tell me, what was it like?

TROI'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

You want to talk to him.

CRUSHER (Turning toward Vayle)

Deanna, what was it like?

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

Really interesting. Some of it I never imagined. There's an urgency that's really

unexpected…

CRUSHER

You know, it feels really strange having women’s talk with a man.

TROI'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

Okay, I can take a hint. I'll go for a walk.

Exit Vayle (in Troi's body)

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

You really ought to ask him if he'll let you try it. I can't say I prefer it, but it was

very pleasant, and as male bodies go, this seems to be a really good one, a lot

better than most I've been with if you get my drift.

CRUSHER

You've got me intrigued… just intellectual curiosity though.

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

Don't try to fool me, Beverly. Remember, it's me, Deanna. I've known you a long

time.

CRUSHER

Was it better?

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

Of course not, just different and a lot of fun, though I can see how performance

anxiety must be awful, really scary. Explains a lot, war and all that maybe. I'll

have to think about it… Try it… We'll be able to compare notes…

CRUSHER

Why not… I just can't imagine what I'll say to Wesley if he ever finds out.

VAYLE'S BODY (TROI'S VOICE)

Tell him to leave the seat down.

Troi's body returns.

TROI'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

Now's as good a time as any.

Crusher hesitates a moment, then smiles.

Whatever special effect used before should be repeated. Troi returns to her own body. Crusher to

Vayle. Vayle from Troi to Crusher.

VAYLE'S BODY (CRUSHER'S VOICE)

I'm ready if you are.

Vayle and Crusher leave hand in hand.

FADE TO:

INT. CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM

Picard is alone at computer. Doorbell rings.

PICARD

Come.

Crusher enters.

CRUSHER'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

Captain…

PICARD

What's going on?

CRUSHER'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

Captain, throughout our return to Starbase 46 I am entirely responsible for the

Enterprise. If anything goes wrong, Imperial Law requires that I pay for

everything, ship, towing, everything. I'm being very careful, monitoring all

systems without interruption. You and your crew can relax. As I told Counselor

Troi, the nature of your sexuality is very unusual, fascinating to me. I've never

encountered it before. I'm here to ask you if you'd like to go where no man has

gone before, to be a woman… this woman.

PICARD

Do you intend to spend the entire return journey to Starbase 46 switching sexes

of my crew for your own amusement?

CRUSHER'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

Certainly not if you order me not to, and this witticism notwithstanding, this is not

merely for my own amusement. Remember, I am a small sphere of solid

nucleic material millions of years old… an explorer like yourself and not even

remotely interested in harming you or anyone else. I'm just concerned with

exploring something new and wonderful which the random chance which

governs the universe has given me the opportunity to study. You may be a

primitive species, but certainly you of all the crew can see the motivation of my

quest for knowledge. I now feel a deep and abiding sense of affection and

emotional bond with both Deanna and Beverly. Besides, it feels delightful. Try

it. You'll like it.

PICARD

How do I know what you're offering is true experience of being a woman? How

do you know what a woman is?

CRUSHER'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

The same way I know what a man is. I took a physical, mental, and emotional

composite off all the males in your crew and gave them to Deanna and Beverly.

You're thinking you feel very attracted to Beverly and don't want to know her

inmost private thoughts because that would be intrusive, a sort of mental rape.

I can assure you private thoughts like that will be screened.

PICARD

This is awfully tempting. I've always wanted to understand women… I suppose

most men have… Are you sure the ship and crew will be safe?

CRUSHER'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

I've never lost one yet.

PICARD

What about Beverly? It's her body. I don't feel I can enter her body without her

permission.

CRUSHER'S BODY (VAYLE'S VOICE)

I can not tell you, Captain, how eager Beverly and Deanna are for you to try

this.

PICARD

Why not?

Special effects of Vayle and Picard switching. Crusher and Picard look into each other's eyes.

FADE TO:

INT. MAIN BRIDGE

Captain Picard, Riker, Troi, Crusher, Data, Worf, and Vayle present.

PICARD

This is the Captain speaking. I've just had the most fascinating and enlightening

experience. As we are towed back to Starbase 46, Vayle is going to offer each

of you the opportunity to experience a few hours of being the opposite sex. I

strongly suggest you avail yourself of this opportunity. I especially recommend it

for married couples.

Crusher and Troi approach Worf.

CRUSHER (To Vayle)

How about Worf next?

WORF

But that is a man.

Vayle instantly transforms into a Klingon woman.

WORF

But that is a one and a half centimeter sphere of solid nucleic material.

RIKER

If Worf isn't interested, I certainly am.

TROI (To Riker)

Wait your turn, Will.

PICARD

I certainly would not order you to do this, Mr. Worf, but if I were you I certainly

wouldn't let a chance like this slip away.

KLINGON WOMAN

I know what you're feeling for me now, Worf. Don't you want to know what i'm

feeling for you?

WORF

Captain, is this really necessary?

PICARD

No, Mr. Worf, it is not necessary, just very pleasant. I was quite reluctant at first

myself. I assure you that this is a benevolent being. He… she would not be

doing this with us if it would harm us.

TROI

Vayle genuinely likes us. This intimacy is a true bonding, not just with Vayle,

but each other. Beverly and the Captain and I all feel… joined. It's quite

beautiful. There's even a glimpse of what it's like to be a wanderer millions of

years old, part of the original civilization of the universe… besides it's

completely free of performance anxiety.

WORF

I do not have performance anxiety. I never have had performance anxiety. No

Klingon male ever has had performance anxiety.

PICARD

Perhaps I shall have to order him.

RIKER

Look, Worf, if you don't want to, I do.

CRUSHER (To Riker)

Will you please wait your turn.

KLINGON WOMAN

No one can order you to do this, and no one will ever dare hint that you're a

coward if you don't.

WORF

I am not a coward. Captain, have you ever once thought I was a coward?

PICARD

No, Mr. Worf, I have never once thought you were a coward. This is not about

bravery. It's about emotional and intellectual openness and curiosity. It's about

why were out here in space in the first place, to explore the unknown. But not

just the unknown outside ourselves, the unknown inside ourselves, too.

WORF

You really think this is a good idea, Captain?

PICARD

Definitely.

WORF

All right, but I insist on the full Pl'Kach Ceremony.

KLINGON WOMAN

I wouldn't let you miss it for the world.

Switching side effects. Worf and Klingon woman exit with Worf's body carrying Klingon Woman over his shoulder.

RIKER

What are you all looking at me for? What's wrong with being curious?

TROI

Will, you're more than merely curious… I'm sure you'll enjoy it a great deal more

than you expect.

RIKER

That's what I'm afraid.

DATA

None of you seem to be even remotely interested in how this might effect me.

DISEMBODIED VOICE OF VAYLE

I have a particularly special experience in store for you, Data.

FADE TO:

INT. RIKER'S PERSONAL QUARTERS

Riker is alone. Doorbell beeps.

RIKER

Come in.

Vayle enters.

VAYLE

It's your turn, Will.

RIKER

I have a few questions before I do this.

VAYLE

Everyone else did, but no one seems to have regretted it, not so far anyway.

RIKER

I'm up for the Captain's examination and review in two and a half years. Will

doing this be held against me? If you've scanned my mind the way you seem to

have everyone else's, you know how important this promotion is to me.

VAYLE

Actually I think it will look rather attractive on your record, especially since

Admiral Cohen is about to be assigned to chair the promotions committee.

RIKER

Oh, no, not Admiral Cohen. That's my worst nightmare. She thinks I'm a shallow,

insensitive, womanizing libertine just because I broke up with her in high school

to go to the prom with an astroball cheer leader. She's the same age as I am,

and she's the youngest admiral in the fleet. What should I do?

VAYLE

I think she'd be very impressed with your increased sensitivity and maturity if

you spent your time as a woman in labor and giving birth. You could tell her it

was the most meaningful experience of your life. I think she'd go for it. She just

had her first child last year. You could compare delivery stories.

RIKER

This is awful.

VAYLE

Why? I think it would work.

RIKER

When I was fresh out of the Acadamy, I had leave for several weeks in the Delta

Sector. I met a Bajoran woman. Whatever it was that happened for her went

on for hours. It was like watching a super nova. All my adult life I've wanted to

know what it was like to be her and feel whatever she felt. Nothing like that

happens for men, does it?

VAYLE

Not most women either… I'll see if I can work a bit of that in, too, but remember,

you're going to get pregnant, carry the child to term, and give birth in the next

two weeks. Are you ready?

RIKER

Yes… Admiral Cohen heading the promotions committee… I can't believe my

luck could be that awful. I must want to be a captain very badly if I'm willing to

give up twelve hours as that Bajoran woman to be pregnant and give birth. All

right, do it.

Vayle is transformed instantaneously into a Bajoran woman followed by the movement of "spirits"

between Riker and the Bajoran woman.

FADE TO:

INT. GEORDI'S PERSONAL QUARTERS

Geordi is alone. Doorbell beeps.

GEORDI

Come in.

Vayle enters.

GEORDI (Continues)

I remember something I read a long time ago… An old Greek mythology from

Earth… Wasn't there a prophet… Tieresias, that's his name, Tieresias, wasn't

there a myth about him?

VAYLE

I was wondering if one of you would mention that.

GEORDI

Wasn't he walking down a road?… He came upon a snake, yes, it was a snake,

and he struck the snake and turned into a woman. He was a woman for seven

years. Then he went back and struck the snake again, and he was a man

again… Snakes seem to show up in a lot of cultures' sex myths. Vayle, are you

some kind of snake? Is this some kind of temptation?

VAYLE

Knowledge is always a temptation, but you're not doomed by what you know,

Geordi. You can only harm yourself by what you do with what you know, use it

for benevolent purposes or harmful ones.

GEORDI

You know I'm very shy around women. The reason I would want to know what

it's like to be a woman is so that I'd be less afraid of them, more confident in

romantic situations, so I could be one with them. That's a benevolent purpose,

isn't it?

VAYLE

Of course it is. Being able to be close to a mate seems to be one of the survival

traits of the evolution of your species. By the way, do you remember the rest of

the myth?

GEORDI

Yes, yes, I do. Years later up on Mt. Olympus Zeus and his wife, Hera, were

arguing over who enjoyed sex more. Zeus said it was women. Hera said it was

men. They fought about it for quite a while. Then one of them got the idea to go

to the only person, mortal or immortal, who might know the answer, Tieresias,

and let him decide.

VAYLE

And…

GEORDI

I'm beginning to see where you're leading this… They go to Tieresias and ask

him. He says, "Why women enjoy sex more, of course."  Zeus leaves triumphant,

and Hera strikes Tieresias blind, and she says, "That's for telling the truth." Was

he telling the truth, or was he lying because he was a man again at that point,

and he was being loyal to the male side?

VAYLE

You'll know in a few hours if you choose to find out.

GEORDI

At least I can't be struck blind for telling the truth if I ever learn what the truth is.

Vayle, all I want to know is how to talk with a nice woman who wants to marry

and raise a family with me.

VAYLE

I'll do the best I can, Geordi, ready?

GEORDI

Yes.

FADE OUT:

ACT V

FADE IN:

INT. 10 FORWARD

GUINAN behind bar. Enter Vayle.

GUINAN

If you know everything about us the way they say you do, you know you're going

to have to offer me something else. Have you kept my secret?

VAYLE

You mean that on your planet a male becomes a female after mating, and a

female becomes a male?

GUINAN

Yes.

VAYLE

I haven't told a soul. Want to be a male again?

GUINAN

I can't say that I've missed it that much. After all these years with these males

that don't give it back to you when they're done, I've grown kind of comfortable

as a full time female. Besides I've already been a male 68 of my 210 years.

What I want is that feeling of wholeness, oneness when it's really right no matter

what your genitals look like.

Vayle extends pinky.

GUINAN (Extending pinky)

You really do know.

They touch. Whatever special effects, glowing lights, haloes, etc. the director wants. Very blissful look on both faces. After a time the scene fades, then fades back in.

GUINAN

I'd forgotten how nice that can be.

VAYLE

You think you had a long stretch without the sharing? Forty-seven years is

nothing. Try 6245,

GUINAN

You won't have to wait that long next time if you come in here again. Sometimes

it's lonely way out here so far from home with no one who understands… that

but you. Know what I'm talking about? You fly around alone in empty space,

don't meet anyone else for what, years at a time?

VAYLE

Centuries sometimes, and then unless I'm really lucky, they're too primitive to

share with.

GUINAN

Why do you do it?

VAYLE

A one and a half centimeter sphere of solid nucleic material has to earn a living

like anyone else. It's a job. The pay is good. You get to help people, and every

now and then you get a surprise. You encounter someone only 210 years old

who can experience the sharing.

GUINAN

I'm not that rare in other parts of this Galaxy. Besides I don't think it's going to be

much longer before quite few of the humanoid species in the Milky Way evolve

that last little bit more and find they can join in spirit with any living thing they

want because this whole messy, chaotic thing we call the universe is one.

VAYLE

I won't mind it when it happens.

FADE TO:

INT. TROI'S PERSONAL QUARTERS

Troi. Doorbell rings.

TROI

Come in.

Vayle enters.

VAYLE

The entire crew has been taken care of, all but four who didn't want to and the

children. I'd like to spend the rest of the trip back with you.

TROI

Which way?

VAYLE

Anyway you like.

TROI

I don't really care so much about being a man though a few more days as one

might be nice. I just want to try opening myself to more of the experience of you.

VAYLE  (Extending pinky)

Let me show you something a little different, a little higher.

TROI

What?

VAYLE

Just touch your pinky to mine and let go of yourself.

FADE TO:

INT. MAIN BRIDGE

All cast members present.

PICARD

This is the Captain speaking. I know all of you want me to thank Eln-Vayle for

the… insights we have obtained into each other, not to mention rescuing us

from 2000 years of being lost in space. I have some excellent news for you. I

know that many of you have been worried about the possibility that there will

be some stigma attached to us in Starfleet for being the first Federation

Starship ever towed back to port. Vayle has informed me that most of the

Federation Council was involved in an investment plan which mismanaged a

large portion of the financial reserves of the Federation. Vayle has

communicated this to Minister Tollman and Treasurer Lytus, and they have

assured us none of us will be receiving any negative assessments as a result of

this incident which was inevitably going to happen to whatever was our first

Starship to travel deep in intergalactic space. We were just the fortunate ones.

Dismissed.

TROI (Quietly to Riker)

Is it true that the first thing you wanted to do as a woman was experience sex as

a lesbian?

RIKER (Quietly to Troi)

I heard the first thing you wanted to do as man was urinate standing up… By the

way, what was the special treat for Data?

TROI

You remember the old Twentieth Century story called The Wizard of Oz?

RIKER

Yes.

TROI

Vayle said the Tin Man now has a heart. What he does with it is up to him.

CUT TO:

EXT. OF ENTERPRISE IN DOCK AT STARBASE 46

CUT TO:

CAPTAIN PICARD'S PERSONAL QUARTERS

Picard is standing at the window looking out into space.

PICARD (V.O.)

Captain's personal log… Where do I begin…

FADE OUT

THE END